Dear Avril Lavigne,

Please accept my most meaningful and heartiest apologies. I fear that it’s my fault you have Lymes Disease. After spending a tremendous amount of time thinking about Lymes and your situation, there is only one possible conclusion on how you acquired this evil illness. You see, for the last several years, I too have been suffering from Lymes and a stew of other tick illnesses. During that time, I became depressed over and over and over and over and over again.  I would feel better, get sick, feel better, get sick…you get the picture. Anyhoo, during my “sick” times, I would listen to music as a way to pass time and the number one song I would play on repeat for hours on end was your song “Keep Holding On.” In fact, I think before that one hit wonder “Fight Song” appeared on the scene it was the anthem for all of us Lymies. At the very least, it was a firm contender for the Lymie anthem with Matchbox 20’s “Unwell.”

I’m a positive Polly, so of course I preferred “Keep Holding On” to that downer of a song “Unwell.” There are at least 50,000 of us Positive Polly Lymies and if we each on average listen to your song 45 times per month….well, that’s a shit ton of times your song is listened to. If we take all the energy from song listening and factor in the hard science of transmutation (I would explain transmutation to you, but it’s complicated and I’m too tired to play teacher)….it has become clear, that I gave you Lymes. Well, myself and every other sick person sending our sick vibes into the universe which I fear became attached to you and BAM! You are now one of us.

I bet you regret making that song now!! Dontcha?? Unfortunately, you’re stuck listening to the uneducated masses bitch about your “fake” disease like the rest of us poor bastards. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me. I’ll stop listening to your music right away!!! And by the way….so much for MY happy ending. This shit is chronic.