The merriest time of year is upon us, so I has Lymes decided to speak to friends and family about Lyme patients. We wanted to know how they would be making accommodations for or helping their chronically ill friends and family members feel a part of the celebrations. They were full of helpful hints and solid ideas as how best to cope and give, for themselves and for those suffering. All names have been changed to protect identities. We want people to be able to speak openly and freely. Zero inhibitions.
Anya: “My boyfriend has Lymes now. I liked him when he was healthy. Now all he does is sleep and complain about how much everything hurts. It’s super annoying. I’ll celebrate in the morning with him before going to my families. He’s probably happier being left alone all day anyway. Ya know, his new favorite activity is sleeping. I bought a red silk teddy to surprise him but he never wants to have sex anymore so I’ll probably just wear it for the guy I’ve been secretly seeing on the side. I don’t want to hurt his feelings over the holidays so I’ll dump him after the New Year. Definitely before Valentine’s Day. I’m young and I want to have fun. This is so not fun for me.
Stephen: “Is this a joke? Lymes disease is a fake disease. Get away from me you tin foil hat wearing freak.”
Cheryl: “My daughter has Lymes. I personally think what she really needs is to get more exercise. I know she wanted me to pay for a doctor’s appointment and medicine but I decided to get her something she could really use; a gym membership and an appointment with my therapist. “
Brian: “I have a sister who claims to have chronic Lymes but none of us believe her. She’s fucking crazy. Why bother with her. Christmas is for normal people and people with money. She doesn’t have shit. What could she possibly do for my family? It’s not like she’s buying gifts for my kids. Fuck her.”
Jenny: “This girl I know has Lymes and is all alone this holiday season. I wanted to invite her to spend the day with us but she has all these weird allergies and limitations. I don’t feel comfortable trying to adapt to her needs. It’s too much right now. We’re busy. Maybe in January I’ll invite her for dinner. It’s easier then.”
I has Lymes has some tips for those friends and family members. Stop disregarding those who are suffering. Invite them to dinner. Go and visit. Send a card. Make a call. Say I love you. Want to buy a gift? Send gift certificates to grocery stores, pharmacies, pay a doctors bill, send a cleaning woman, or better yet, go on over and help them yourselves. And the most important piece of advice I can give?
Get your heads out of your asses. Start caring about humanity. Stop judging. Get your priorities straight. Remember, God is judging you. It is Christmas after all. Baby Jesus doesn’t like selfish, ugly, ignorant, hypocritical fools.
After extensive research, it has become clear that Vitamin D is where it’s at for the Lyme ladies. Women suffering from Lyme are notoriously low on D and it is crucial to women’s health and well-being to bring the D levels back up. The next time your caregiver asks if you want D you need to respond with an assertive and resounding “YES!” Let me explain why.
- Low levels of D are cause for depression. This is a well-known scientific fact. We have much to be depressed about in the Lyme world and low D levels don’t need to be one of them. Daily doses of D will ensure happier, healthier patients. D = Happiness
- Proteins in D help to support the immune system. That’s right. Injections of D will help boost your immune system.
- With D comes my favorite – Vitamin C. I didn’t learn this until recently, when I was informed that allowing the right “caregiver” to give you D injections would also mean you get an infusion of C. It’s a two for one situation that shouldn’t be passed up as C has just as many health benefits as D; and for those of us with desires beyond feeling good, C is known to improve your skin. Who doesn’t love a healthy glow?
Good health. Improved immunities. Glowing skin. All of these are positive benefits to a chronically ill patient. So say it loud. “I want D” Say it proud. “I want D.” Ask your doctor, friends, neighbors, significant others to help you. Let them know you want D. Say it with me one more time.
“I. Want. D.”
The great debate has been over what exactly should be done with GITMO once all of the terrorists have been released back into society. The US government recently ok’d funding for GITMO to be transformed into a destination Lyme Disease Treatment Facility for all those suffering from Post Lyme Syndrome aka Chronic Lyme. It was a no brainer decision when presented with the options of either paying for research, reliable testing, medications and medical treatments for those suffering or to send them offshore for what one Senator claims will be “a spa like experience for those nut jobs always leaving messages on our phones begging for help like mentally ill street urchins.” Many physicians agreed that GITMO would be an appropriate space for treatments due to the uncanny similarity the numerous torture techniques used there in the past have to the numerous medical treatments needed to cure Lyme Disease. Thanks to inside sources I has Lymes is able to share a sneak peek of this transformation and precisely how the facilities will be used.
- Solitary Confinement/Isolation in the past has been used to create psychological damage with impacts that can range from hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression. Serving the Lyme Community, these rooms actually offer a safe haven from neurological overload while the government is free from liability since hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression are actually symptoms of the disease and not caused by the isolation and confinement. It’s a real win in terms of conserving the integrity of the structures. Architects involved in the redesign won’t have to concern themselves with opening up spaces or tearing down walls.
- Sexual Assault has been used extensively at GITMO as a form of humiliation and degradation that includes, but is in no way limited to anal probes, pornography watching and forcing the men to parade around naked or wear women’s under garments. Within the Lyme community anal probes are disguised as various types of ”healthy” enemas, colonics and rectal exams which are all embraced in hopes for better health. Many Lyme patients are also accustomed to watching substantial quantities of pornographic material as they are lonely, unloved and never seem to get any. Lastly, in 2013 it was uncovered that Lyme patients have private gatherings, inviting only other Lyme patients, which, if the gossip is to be believed, generally end in a sexual ritual of sexed up female Lyme patients encouraging the men with Lyme to parade around naked and try on their panties. Another winning transfer for the GITMO employees who will be able to retain their position as sexual tormentors but will, going forward be allotted the title of Health Care Worker.
- Sleep Deprivation techniques used in the past as forms of torture will actually have a place in the new and improved “Game Room” where Lyme patients suffering from insomnia will be kept entertained by the in house GITMO DJ’s who’s job used to be to keep their prisoners up all night playing awful soundtracks over and over again but will be given more leeway in the Lyme Treatment Facility. They will accept music requests from the patients and do their best to provide a quality all night party feel for the insomniacs and those doped up on so many painkillers they think it may still be 1976.
- Mock Executions, one of the more psychologically damaging aspects of GITMO will actually no longer be used. The space will be used as a place that those suffering from Lyme Disease may go to watch on a big screen television homemade videos submitted by families of all those who have died of Lyme Disease. Videos will include photographs, personal statements from friends and families and of course their obituaries. Rather than this being a form of psychological torture this will be part of the therapy program in hopes that Lyme patients will learn to cope with the never ending loss of friends and have a firm grasp on their own mortality.
- Forced Medication and medical experimentation was outlawed under international law since its use in Nazi concentration camps and used only sparingly at GITMO in the last few decades, however, Lyme patients are accustomed to being medical Guinea pigs and will happily take all medications supplied to them in hopes of a cure. Another win for Lyme patients and the folks at GITMO! They keep their job and patients actually get medication.
- The Use of Dogs to Scare Detainees will no longer be of use, however, there will be a training center created so that the high numbers of dogs used in the past have a forever home with the Lyme patients. Part of the program will include training the dogs to become therapy dogs. Their jobs will include “encouraging” the patients to get out of bed each morning for a walk, eating all foods that don’t adhere to the “Lyme diet” and the most important of all, showing love to those who have been so sick, for so long, that they are in need of contact and affection.
- Temperature Extremes and Waterboarding Techniques will be a real win with the Lyme Patients! Frigid air rooms will be left as is for those with Babesia, heat rooms will be used as sauna’s and for the ground breaking heat treatments used in Europe as a means to raise body temperatures to 107 degrees in hopes to kill the bacteria and hopefully not the person. Waterboarding will become the hydrotherapy room. They’re still working out the kinks on that but should be presenting a power point presentation soon regarding the best possible use for hydrotherapy treatment.
Questions regarding the GITMO transformation should be sent to your local government. Contact the White House or your local taliban representative for upcoming transfer dates. Lyme patients hoping to partake in the launch of this ground breaking project should direct inquiries to Congress. There will be screenings, tests and of course paperwork involved signing off all personal rights and humane treatment to participate but hey, it’s a free place to live, three lyme friendly meals a day and hopefully some medications you know you probably can’t afford now. It’s a winning opportunity!!!
Update: An online petition has been created to change the prisoner uniforms from orange jumpsuits to patient pajamas in a soft, organic cotton and of course, lime green.
Dear Avril Lavigne,
Please accept my most meaningful and heartiest apologies. I fear that it’s my fault you have Lymes Disease. After spending a tremendous amount of time thinking about Lymes and your situation, there is only one possible conclusion on how you acquired this evil illness. You see, for the last several years, I too have been suffering from Lymes and a stew of other tick illnesses. During that time, I became depressed over and over and over and over and over again. I would feel better, get sick, feel better, get sick…you get the picture. Anyhoo, during my “sick” times, I would listen to music as a way to pass time and the number one song I would play on repeat for hours on end was your song “Keep Holding On.” In fact, I think before that one hit wonder “Fight Song” appeared on the scene it was the anthem for all of us Lymies. At the very least, it was a firm contender for the Lymie anthem with Matchbox 20’s “Unwell.”
I’m a positive Polly, so of course I preferred “Keep Holding On” to that downer of a song “Unwell.” There are at least 50,000 of us Positive Polly Lymies and if we each on average listen to your song 45 times per month….well, that’s a shit ton of times your song is listened to. If we take all the energy from song listening and factor in the hard science of transmutation (I would explain transmutation to you, but it’s complicated and I’m too tired to play teacher)….it has become clear, that I gave you Lymes. Well, myself and every other sick person sending our sick vibes into the universe which I fear became attached to you and BAM! You are now one of us.
I bet you regret making that song now!! Dontcha?? Unfortunately, you’re stuck listening to the uneducated masses bitch about your “fake” disease like the rest of us poor bastards. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me. I’ll stop listening to your music right away!!! And by the way….so much for MY happy ending. This shit is chronic.
That’s right folks! You saw it here first! Coconut oils cures Lymes Disease. No need to spend thousands of dollars on doctors and medications. Simply stock up on natures miracle cure. I followed the I Has Lymes protocol and within two short weeks and 163 cases of coconut oil later, I was miraculously cured. I even lost half my body weight!!
Here’s how it works:
- Buy an obscene amount of coconut oil. I suggest bringing a friend to carry the cases. That stuff is heavy!!
- For each meal, eat exactly one jar of coconut oil. That’s it. Nothing else. Oh, and absolutely no food…no fruit, no veggies, no meat, nadda. (That means no candy and carbs too, you dirty little cheaters!!)
- Twice daily, fill your bathtub with coconut oil, hop in (take your clothes off before submersing yourself) and soak for a minimum of 45 minutes. If it seems weird, rest assured, you’re doing it right.
- Eat more coconut oil. Just remember, no barfing. It’s important to get it in you and KEEP it in you. Choke it down, kids!
- And lastly, the most important part of the protocol, the piece of information absolutely needed for the much needed cure, can be found here:
For only $19.95 you can buy my e-book explaining the most important part of my Lymes cure. It’s really, truly, honestly, way too good to be true, but feel free to buy the e-book with confidence. Come on now, just gimme you’re money. You’ll regret it, but don’t let that stop you.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I don’t know how to cure Lymes Disease. Nobody does. Don’t listen to me. I’m just a goofball on the internet. Save your dollars, call an LLMD and try to at least feel a little bit better.