GITMO to be converted to Lyme Disease Treatment Center

The great debate has been over what exactly should be done with GITMO once all of the terrorists have been released back into society. The US government recently ok’d funding for GITMO to be transformed into a destination Lyme Disease Treatment Facility for all those suffering from Post Lyme Syndrome aka Chronic Lyme. It was a no brainer decision when presented with the options of either paying for research, reliable testing, medications and medical treatments for those suffering or to send them offshore for what one Senator claims will be “a spa like experience for those nut jobs always leaving messages on our phones begging for help like mentally ill street urchins.”  Many physicians agreed that GITMO would be an appropriate space for treatments due to the uncanny similarity the numerous torture techniques used there in the past have to the numerous medical treatments needed to cure Lyme Disease. Thanks to inside sources I has Lymes is able to share a sneak peek of this transformation and precisely how the facilities will be used.

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  1. Solitary Confinement/Isolation in the past has been used to create psychological damage with impacts that can range from hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression. Serving the Lyme Community, these rooms actually offer a safe haven from neurological overload while the government is free from liability since hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression are actually symptoms of the disease and not caused by the isolation and confinement. It’s a real win in terms of conserving the integrity of the structures. Architects involved in the redesign won’t have to concern themselves with opening up spaces or tearing down walls.
  2. Sexual Assault has been used extensively at GITMO as a form of humiliation and degradation that includes, but is in no way limited to anal probes, pornography watching and forcing the men to parade around naked or wear women’s under garments. Within the Lyme community anal probes are disguised as various types of ”healthy” enemas, colonics and rectal exams which are all embraced in hopes for better health. Many Lyme patients are also accustomed to watching substantial quantities of pornographic material as they are lonely, unloved and never seem to get any. Lastly, in 2013 it was uncovered that Lyme patients have private gatherings, inviting only other Lyme patients, which, if the gossip is to be believed, generally end in a sexual ritual of sexed up female Lyme patients encouraging the men with Lyme to parade around naked and try on their panties. Another winning transfer for the GITMO employees who will be able to retain their position as sexual tormentors but will, going forward be allotted the title of Health Care Worker.
  3. Sleep Deprivation techniques used in the past as forms of torture will actually have a place in the new and improved “Game Room” where Lyme patients suffering from insomnia will be kept entertained by the in house GITMO DJ’s who’s job used to be to keep their prisoners up all night playing awful soundtracks over and over again but will be given more leeway in the Lyme Treatment Facility. They will accept music requests from the patients and do their best to provide a quality all night party feel for the insomniacs and those doped up on so many painkillers they think it may still be 1976.
  4. Mock Executions, one of the more psychologically damaging aspects of GITMO will actually no longer be used. The space will be used as a place that those suffering from Lyme Disease may go to watch on a big screen television homemade videos submitted by families of all those who have died of Lyme Disease. Videos will include photographs, personal statements from friends and families and of course their obituaries. Rather than this being a form of psychological torture this will be part of the therapy program in hopes that Lyme patients will learn to cope with the never ending loss of friends and have a firm grasp on their own mortality.
  5. Forced Medication and medical experimentation was outlawed under international law since its use in Nazi concentration camps and used only sparingly at GITMO in the last few decades, however, Lyme patients are accustomed to being medical Guinea pigs and will happily take all medications supplied to them in hopes of a cure. Another win for Lyme patients and the folks at GITMO! They keep their job and patients actually get medication.
  6. The Use of Dogs to Scare Detainees will no longer be of use, however, there will be a training center created so that the high numbers of dogs used in the past have a forever home with the Lyme patients. Part of the program will include training the dogs to become therapy dogs. Their jobs will include “encouraging” the patients to get out of bed each morning for a walk, eating all foods that don’t adhere to the “Lyme diet” and the most important of all, showing love to those who have been so sick, for so long, that they are in need of contact and affection.
  7. Temperature Extremes and Waterboarding Techniques will be a real win with the Lyme Patients! Frigid air rooms will be left as is for those with Babesia, heat rooms will be used as sauna’s and for the ground breaking heat treatments used in Europe as a means to raise body temperatures to 107 degrees in hopes to kill the bacteria and hopefully not the person. Waterboarding will become the hydrotherapy room. They’re still working out the kinks on that but should be presenting a power point presentation soon regarding the best possible use for hydrotherapy treatment.

Questions regarding the GITMO transformation should be sent to your local government. Contact the White House or your local taliban representative for upcoming transfer dates. Lyme patients hoping to partake in the launch of this ground breaking project should direct inquiries to Congress. There will be screenings, tests and of course paperwork involved signing off all personal rights and humane treatment to participate but hey, it’s a free place to live, three lyme friendly meals a day and hopefully some medications you know you probably can’t afford now.  It’s a winning opportunity!!!

Update: An online petition has been created to change the prisoner uniforms from orange jumpsuits to patient pajamas in a soft, organic cotton and of course, lime green.

I gave Avril Lavigne Lymes Disease

Dear Avril Lavigne,

Please accept my most meaningful and heartiest apologies. I fear that it’s my fault you have Lymes Disease. After spending a tremendous amount of time thinking about Lymes and your situation, there is only one possible conclusion on how you acquired this evil illness. You see, for the last several years, I too have been suffering from Lymes and a stew of other tick illnesses. During that time, I became depressed over and over and over and over and over again.  I would feel better, get sick, feel better, get sick…you get the picture. Anyhoo, during my “sick” times, I would listen to music as a way to pass time and the number one song I would play on repeat for hours on end was your song “Keep Holding On.” In fact, I think before that one hit wonder “Fight Song” appeared on the scene it was the anthem for all of us Lymies. At the very least, it was a firm contender for the Lymie anthem with Matchbox 20’s “Unwell.”

I’m a positive Polly, so of course I preferred “Keep Holding On” to that downer of a song “Unwell.” There are at least 50,000 of us Positive Polly Lymies and if we each on average listen to your song 45 times per month….well, that’s a shit ton of times your song is listened to. If we take all the energy from song listening and factor in the hard science of transmutation (I would explain transmutation to you, but it’s complicated and I’m too tired to play teacher)….it has become clear, that I gave you Lymes. Well, myself and every other sick person sending our sick vibes into the universe which I fear became attached to you and BAM! You are now one of us.

I bet you regret making that song now!! Dontcha?? Unfortunately, you’re stuck listening to the uneducated masses bitch about your “fake” disease like the rest of us poor bastards. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me. I’ll stop listening to your music right away!!! And by the way….so much for MY happy ending. This shit is chronic.

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Coconut Oil Cures Lymes

That’s right folks! You saw it here first! Coconut oils cures Lymes Disease. No need to spend thousands of dollars on doctors and medications. Simply stock up on natures miracle cure. I followed the I Has Lymes protocol and within two short weeks and 163 cases of coconut oil later, I was miraculously cured. I even lost half my body weight!!

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Here’s how it works:

  1. Buy an obscene amount of coconut oil. I suggest bringing a friend to carry the cases. That stuff is heavy!!
  2. For each meal, eat exactly one jar of coconut oil. That’s it. Nothing else. Oh, and absolutely no food…no fruit, no veggies, no meat, nadda. (That means no candy and carbs too, you dirty little cheaters!!)
  3. Twice daily, fill your bathtub with coconut oil, hop in (take your clothes off before submersing yourself) and soak for a minimum of 45 minutes. If it seems weird, rest assured, you’re doing it right.
  4. Eat more coconut oil. Just remember, no barfing. It’s important to get it in you and KEEP it in you. Choke it down, kids!
  5. And lastly, the most important part of the protocol, the piece of information absolutely needed for the much needed cure, can be found here:

For only $19.95 you can buy my e-book explaining the most important part of my Lymes cure. It’s really, truly, honestly, way too good to be true, but feel free to buy the e-book with confidence. Come on now, just gimme you’re money. You’ll regret it, but don’t let that stop you.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I don’t know how to cure Lymes Disease. Nobody does. Don’t listen to me. I’m just a goofball on the internet. Save your dollars, call an LLMD and try to at least feel a little bit better.

Lyme Docs Now Accepting All Insurance Plans

 

A week long intensive collaboration between LLMP’s (Lyme Literate Medical Physicians) and Insurance Companies yielded major results. 2015 marked the year that Lyme Physicians finally got sick of listening to their patients bitch and complain about insurance issues and the fact that they won’t accept any. None. At all. Not a single plan. Making the decision to put their heads together and come up with a workable option, the doctors met at an undisclosed luxury resort for rounds of golf, bottomless glasses of martinis and a half-hearted group meeting with the heads of America’s top Insurance companies.

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Not much was accomplished until day 3, while hungover, imbibing on the hair of last night’s dog and a sense of impending doom of yet another year of listening to broke, angry, sick people they were able to work out an acceptable arrangement for all. The LLMP’s agreed to stop using Lyme Disease billing code ICD-9-CM 088.891 and to only use going forward the following codes:

Lupus ICD-9-CM 715.090
MS ICD-9-CM 340.767
Fibromyalgia ICD-9-CM 729.122
Parkinson’s Disease ICD-9-CM 332.122
Alzheimer’s ICD-9-CM 1354.999
Rheumatoid Arthritis ICD-9-CM 714.001

There were several more codes on the allowable usage list but were soon forgotten during the 1950’s dance off jitterbug competition. (I won’t name name’s but one very famous California Lyme Physician won and will be displaying his trophy proudly on his desk!) A few of the doctors were heard chuckling while the insurance CEO’s patted their backs saying “Lyme, ALS, MS? Who cares what we call it as long we’re getting paid? This should keep them happy.”

What does this mean? Yes, treatments will FINALLY be covered if you are willing to assign a false diagnoses for insurance but once again, Lyme patients are denied the right to proudly announce and acknowledge “I has Lymes Disease.” Will those poor Lyme folks ever received the recognition they deserve? Probably not.

 

Lyme Victim ousted for Carbs and Candy

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It was been brought to my attention earlier this afternoon, that the latest victim of Lyme Disease succumbed not to the disease itself but, in fact, to the ostracization and ousting from all online Lyme groups when her “friend” told everyone that she has been eating candy and carbs. The victim has asked to remain nameless but admitted that she had been regularly binging on bread made with gluten, pizza, cookies and large quantities of candy to help with her depression. When the Lyme Community learned of her self-sabotage they decided tough love was their only option and worked together to black list her from all online Lyme groups, deleting her from their Facebook pages and turning a photo of her into a meme to “teach her a lesson.” When I reached out to the bullied victim her only response was “Fuck Lyme. Fuck those crazy Lyme groups. If I’m going to die, I’m going to do it in my way. In a sugar coma, fat and fucking happy.” The last time anyone saw her was over 72 hours ago, picking skittles out of the bottom of her purse and rubbing raw pizza dough all over her body.

Lyme Patient Wins Powerball – Has No Idea

On Monday, January 11, 2016 a Lyme patient by the name of Amy made the difficult decision to spend her $36.00 on Powerball tickets. She needed more Vitamin C supplements but felt taking the risk to win big was worth the immune system crash.

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After announcing on Facebook that she plans to open a Lyme retreat free of charge to all of her Lyme friends, paying for their medical needs and lodging expenses, Amy put on her driving helmet, took her life in her hands and drove to the gas station to purchase her tickets. Upon returning home, Amy put those tickets someplace safe for fear a family member might steal them, even though she lives alone.

Watching the news early Thursday morning, around 11:45 am to be precise, Amy suddenly remembered she had purchased lotto tickets and she actually resides in Florida. Florida! One of the winning states!!

Four hours were spent looking for those tickets because she couldn’t remember where she had hidden them but dammit she found them eventually, safely tucked away inside the toaster oven, slightly burned around the edges from toasting that morning’s vegan, dairy free, gluten free piece of cardboard she calls “breakfast.”

As Amy sat comparing the numbers on the lottery page to her tickets she was acutely aware that she wasn’t feeling well. What she wasn’t aware of was that her neurological symptoms were fully flared and she was inverting her numbers.

A single lone tear rolled down her cheek as it sunk in that she didn’t win the 1.5 billion dollar jackpot. She was sad, sure. But she was also scared. Unsure of what to tell her Lyme friends who were counting on her for antibiotics and small, rent free, communal apartments, she opted to deactivate her Facebook account and go into hiding.

Shuffling back to the toaster oven, she placed the tickets back inside for safe keeping and to look at again later. With no money left, no Vitamin C to take and exhausted from the early morning search for the lost tickets, Amy laid down for a nap, forgetting all about the tickets , completely unaware that she was in fact one of the three Powerball winners, that she could purchase a lifetime supply of Vitamin C, and even provide medicine (the real stuff, none of that generic crap) for all 4,000 of her closest Lyme pals.