Family and friends of Lyme patients celebrate Christmas

The merriest time of year is upon us, so I has Lymes decided to speak to friends and family about Lyme patients. We wanted to know how they would be making accommodations for or helping their chronically ill friends and family members feel a part of the celebrations. They were full of helpful hints and solid ideas as how best to cope and give, for themselves and for those suffering. All names have been changed to protect identities. We want people to be able to speak openly and freely. Zero inhibitions.

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Anya: “My boyfriend has Lymes now. I liked him when he was healthy. Now all he does is sleep and complain about how much everything hurts. It’s super annoying. I’ll celebrate in the morning with him before going to my families. He’s probably happier being left alone all day anyway. Ya know, his new favorite activity is sleeping. I bought a red silk teddy to surprise him but he never wants to have sex anymore so I’ll probably just wear it for the guy I’ve been secretly seeing on the side. I don’t want to hurt his feelings over the holidays so I’ll dump him after the New Year. Definitely before Valentine’s Day. I’m young and I want to have fun. This is so not fun for me.

Stephen: “Is this a joke? Lymes disease is a fake disease. Get away from me you tin foil hat wearing freak.”

Cheryl: “My daughter has Lymes. I personally think what she really needs is to get more exercise. I know she wanted me to pay for a doctor’s appointment and medicine but I decided to get her something she could really use; a gym membership and an appointment with my therapist. “

Brian:  “I have a sister who claims to have chronic Lymes but none of us believe her. She’s fucking crazy. Why bother with her. Christmas is for normal people and people with money. She doesn’t have shit. What could she possibly do for my family? It’s not like she’s buying gifts for my kids. Fuck her.”

Jenny: “This girl I know has Lymes and is all alone this holiday season. I wanted to invite her to spend the day with us but she has all these weird allergies and limitations. I don’t feel comfortable trying to adapt to her needs. It’s too much right now. We’re busy. Maybe in January I’ll invite her for dinner. It’s easier then.”

I has Lymes has some tips for those friends and family members. Stop disregarding those who are suffering. Invite them to dinner. Go and visit. Send a card. Make a call. Say I love you. Want to buy a gift? Send gift certificates to grocery stores, pharmacies, pay a doctors bill, send a cleaning woman, or better yet, go on over and help them yourselves. And the most important piece of advice I can give?

Get your heads out of your asses. Start caring about humanity. Stop judging. Get your priorities straight. Remember, God is judging you. It is Christmas after all. Baby Jesus doesn’t like selfish, ugly, ignorant, hypocritical fools.

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GITMO to be converted to Lyme Disease Treatment Center

The great debate has been over what exactly should be done with GITMO once all of the terrorists have been released back into society. The US government recently ok’d funding for GITMO to be transformed into a destination Lyme Disease Treatment Facility for all those suffering from Post Lyme Syndrome aka Chronic Lyme. It was a no brainer decision when presented with the options of either paying for research, reliable testing, medications and medical treatments for those suffering or to send them offshore for what one Senator claims will be “a spa like experience for those nut jobs always leaving messages on our phones begging for help like mentally ill street urchins.”  Many physicians agreed that GITMO would be an appropriate space for treatments due to the uncanny similarity the numerous torture techniques used there in the past have to the numerous medical treatments needed to cure Lyme Disease. Thanks to inside sources I has Lymes is able to share a sneak peek of this transformation and precisely how the facilities will be used.

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  1. Solitary Confinement/Isolation in the past has been used to create psychological damage with impacts that can range from hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression. Serving the Lyme Community, these rooms actually offer a safe haven from neurological overload while the government is free from liability since hallucinations, emotional damage, delusions and impaired cognitive functioning to anxiety and depression are actually symptoms of the disease and not caused by the isolation and confinement. It’s a real win in terms of conserving the integrity of the structures. Architects involved in the redesign won’t have to concern themselves with opening up spaces or tearing down walls.
  2. Sexual Assault has been used extensively at GITMO as a form of humiliation and degradation that includes, but is in no way limited to anal probes, pornography watching and forcing the men to parade around naked or wear women’s under garments. Within the Lyme community anal probes are disguised as various types of ”healthy” enemas, colonics and rectal exams which are all embraced in hopes for better health. Many Lyme patients are also accustomed to watching substantial quantities of pornographic material as they are lonely, unloved and never seem to get any. Lastly, in 2013 it was uncovered that Lyme patients have private gatherings, inviting only other Lyme patients, which, if the gossip is to be believed, generally end in a sexual ritual of sexed up female Lyme patients encouraging the men with Lyme to parade around naked and try on their panties. Another winning transfer for the GITMO employees who will be able to retain their position as sexual tormentors but will, going forward be allotted the title of Health Care Worker.
  3. Sleep Deprivation techniques used in the past as forms of torture will actually have a place in the new and improved “Game Room” where Lyme patients suffering from insomnia will be kept entertained by the in house GITMO DJ’s who’s job used to be to keep their prisoners up all night playing awful soundtracks over and over again but will be given more leeway in the Lyme Treatment Facility. They will accept music requests from the patients and do their best to provide a quality all night party feel for the insomniacs and those doped up on so many painkillers they think it may still be 1976.
  4. Mock Executions, one of the more psychologically damaging aspects of GITMO will actually no longer be used. The space will be used as a place that those suffering from Lyme Disease may go to watch on a big screen television homemade videos submitted by families of all those who have died of Lyme Disease. Videos will include photographs, personal statements from friends and families and of course their obituaries. Rather than this being a form of psychological torture this will be part of the therapy program in hopes that Lyme patients will learn to cope with the never ending loss of friends and have a firm grasp on their own mortality.
  5. Forced Medication and medical experimentation was outlawed under international law since its use in Nazi concentration camps and used only sparingly at GITMO in the last few decades, however, Lyme patients are accustomed to being medical Guinea pigs and will happily take all medications supplied to them in hopes of a cure. Another win for Lyme patients and the folks at GITMO! They keep their job and patients actually get medication.
  6. The Use of Dogs to Scare Detainees will no longer be of use, however, there will be a training center created so that the high numbers of dogs used in the past have a forever home with the Lyme patients. Part of the program will include training the dogs to become therapy dogs. Their jobs will include “encouraging” the patients to get out of bed each morning for a walk, eating all foods that don’t adhere to the “Lyme diet” and the most important of all, showing love to those who have been so sick, for so long, that they are in need of contact and affection.
  7. Temperature Extremes and Waterboarding Techniques will be a real win with the Lyme Patients! Frigid air rooms will be left as is for those with Babesia, heat rooms will be used as sauna’s and for the ground breaking heat treatments used in Europe as a means to raise body temperatures to 107 degrees in hopes to kill the bacteria and hopefully not the person. Waterboarding will become the hydrotherapy room. They’re still working out the kinks on that but should be presenting a power point presentation soon regarding the best possible use for hydrotherapy treatment.

Questions regarding the GITMO transformation should be sent to your local government. Contact the White House or your local taliban representative for upcoming transfer dates. Lyme patients hoping to partake in the launch of this ground breaking project should direct inquiries to Congress. There will be screenings, tests and of course paperwork involved signing off all personal rights and humane treatment to participate but hey, it’s a free place to live, three lyme friendly meals a day and hopefully some medications you know you probably can’t afford now.  It’s a winning opportunity!!!

Update: An online petition has been created to change the prisoner uniforms from orange jumpsuits to patient pajamas in a soft, organic cotton and of course, lime green.

Lyme Patient Wins Powerball – Has No Idea

On Monday, January 11, 2016 a Lyme patient by the name of Amy made the difficult decision to spend her $36.00 on Powerball tickets. She needed more Vitamin C supplements but felt taking the risk to win big was worth the immune system crash.

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After announcing on Facebook that she plans to open a Lyme retreat free of charge to all of her Lyme friends, paying for their medical needs and lodging expenses, Amy put on her driving helmet, took her life in her hands and drove to the gas station to purchase her tickets. Upon returning home, Amy put those tickets someplace safe for fear a family member might steal them, even though she lives alone.

Watching the news early Thursday morning, around 11:45 am to be precise, Amy suddenly remembered she had purchased lotto tickets and she actually resides in Florida. Florida! One of the winning states!!

Four hours were spent looking for those tickets because she couldn’t remember where she had hidden them but dammit she found them eventually, safely tucked away inside the toaster oven, slightly burned around the edges from toasting that morning’s vegan, dairy free, gluten free piece of cardboard she calls “breakfast.”

As Amy sat comparing the numbers on the lottery page to her tickets she was acutely aware that she wasn’t feeling well. What she wasn’t aware of was that her neurological symptoms were fully flared and she was inverting her numbers.

A single lone tear rolled down her cheek as it sunk in that she didn’t win the 1.5 billion dollar jackpot. She was sad, sure. But she was also scared. Unsure of what to tell her Lyme friends who were counting on her for antibiotics and small, rent free, communal apartments, she opted to deactivate her Facebook account and go into hiding.

Shuffling back to the toaster oven, she placed the tickets back inside for safe keeping and to look at again later. With no money left, no Vitamin C to take and exhausted from the early morning search for the lost tickets, Amy laid down for a nap, forgetting all about the tickets , completely unaware that she was in fact one of the three Powerball winners, that she could purchase a lifetime supply of Vitamin C, and even provide medicine (the real stuff, none of that generic crap) for all 4,000 of her closest Lyme pals.